Maybe you don’t know this about me, but I have been suffering from depression for about 9 years now. I hate having to call it “depression” because it comes with the assumption that I have to have a frown on my face 24/7, never want to leave my room, feel constant darkness and don’t want to talk to anyone – but that’s not what it’s always like for me. It manifests itself in different ways and changes everyday and is triggered by a variety of things. I have good and bad days, depending on what’s going on, but since today is a bad one, I thought I’d sit down and blurt out how I’m feeling in the hopes of it helping someone out there. I want to go into more detail about how my depression started, how I deal with it, and all that stuff, but I want to chat to you about that in a casual sit down video on my YouTube channel, if you guys would be interested in that 🙂
Today, I feel like nothing is going right – like everything I try is failing, I’ll never achieve my dreams, I’ve screwed up my life – the list goes on and on! I know that when you’re in the head space I am right now things feel so much worse than if you were in a fun, positive mood. But that’s the problem with depression – it always feels like nothing will ever be OK again. Because I’m a very sensitive person as it is, when my depression hits a low, its hits it hard. Right now, I’m feeling every single possible negative emotion, all of which are heightened and feel like they’ll never come back down to Earth. My brain is running at a million miles a minute, reminding myself of everything I’ve ever failed at and everything that is wrong with my life.
Right now, I believe I’m the worst songwriter in the world, the worst singer, I’ll never amount to anything, no one will ever see my videos, I’ll never achieve anything I want to, no one will ever know me – even this blog seems bad to me. And I know it’s going to take time to feel better again – maybe a day, maybe a week, maybe a few hours if I’m lucky. But good luck has been in short supply for me in the last few years.
People get confused about how I could possibly still have depression because I’m so motivated and working so hard every day. To them, if i was really depressed I’d be crying under my bed covers all the time. But I rarely, if ever, end up there. Today, my bad day is coming from the fact that I am so motivated to fix my life and I’m constantly working on things to change it, but as soon as something slightly negative happens, my depression kicks in and everything appears bad. Everything. Some days I can control it – convince myself it’s OK, and manage to hold my negative thoughts back – but all too often I’m down before I even knew I was falling. I can be completely fine and myself one minute, like I was when I woke up this morning, but it can suddenly hit me like a truck load of bricks from the tinniest thing, or sometimes nothing at all. I know it’s really hard for someone who doesn’t or hasn’t suffered from depression at some point to understand me, and that’s OK, but sometimes I wish I could explain it. They’d know why my smile disappears in the middle of a fun activity, or why I sometimes need to be alone, or how I feel on a day like today.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very social, confident person, I just have this other thing that looms over me and sometimes gets the better of me. I don’t want it to define me and have that be all that people think of when they think of me. I want to known as a singer and songwriter and content creator, not the depressed girl. It’s not who I am, its just something I have right now. Following the dream of wanting to be a singer, songwriter and YouTuber is not the ideal career path for someone who suffers from depression and is as sensitive as I am, but I know it would be a thousand million times worse if I stopped working on it. And that’s another place my bad day is coming from today – when things go wrong, I feel like I should give up but I don’t think I can give up and then I end up going around in a never ending circle, which just makes my negative emotions so much worse.
I know a thousand more knock downs are coming my way, and I always bounce back – hence why I’m still chasing this dream – but on days like today, I don’t know what to do to feel OK again. I want to be happy and have an awesome day, but it feels like that’s not possible until my circumstances change, but I don’t feel like they ever will – another never ending circle I experience every day. Oh, depression. You really know how to bring a girl down.
I wish it could go away and I could feel myself 100% of the time. But the scary thing is, I don’t know when or if my depression will bugger off.
I’m not sure if any of this made sense, but I hope it can somehow be relatable to someone else having a really tough day right now and not feel so alone in their feelings.